My film NOXIOUS is a retrospective experience of dissociation from a person I once was. Through a forced pause in life, I recognized addiction to feelings that allowed a greater escape from my reality, not exclusively drug-related. It was a constant, stimulating, anxious loop where I never had to be present in time or conscious outside of it. I didn’t have to sit with my thoughts pf how I treat my body, those around me, and myself.
The film is structured in that retrospective experience of sitting in my room, looking in the mirror and imagining my old self as another person. The differentiation between these two versions of myself is in the middle of the film, the flicking of a lighter acts as the trigger/ transition. Present-day, she has curly natural hair, and in her past or memory of herself, she has straightened hair. The writing piece is directed at my past self; it deals with my feelings around maturing, longing, guilt, and regrets. I’ve learned so much about myself and the world since I was that person, yet I long to be that exhilarated, delirious, carefree, and blissfully ignorant. And I feel guilty about that because I know how much she felt deep down. The last line of the film I hate how much time you spent sleeping, and I’m still tired.”, is the resentment I feel for now mending the things that she neglected. This film allowed me to have a cathartic experience and honestly address younger me and the people that knew her. I am evolving and have shed my most recent exoskeleton in this film. Now I can move on.
The rose-tinted glasses I had on for that lifestyle made things incredibly blurry. I was glamourizing this empty state to myself entirely and to social media as well. That gave me a false version of what I craved so deeply, confidence, attention, admiration, friends, relationships.
But what became more and more present was the guilt from knowing I was poisoning myself, the hollow feeling in every aspect of my life I thought I wanted so badly. I was not happy. I was numb. But that is not what it looked like on the outside
.
My addiction did not look ugly; the like-ratio on my social media from then says that’s when I was most… “likeable.” That’s when I got the most male validation in my entire life; that is when I best fit the beauty standard. That is when society rewarded me while I was destroying my mind and body because of how I now looked, acted and presented myself. Social order encouraged me into addiction in the form of Instagram comments, party invitations, and free grams of weed because now I was a “cool girl.” This was reflected in my style of filmmaking and the very hyper-feminized set and the camera acting as a spectating presence that she is well aware of (connecting to social media).
I wanted this film to portray my personal experience, how I remember it feeling in the moment, in my bedroom, with the rose-coloured tint and all. I am not saying that because I had this specific experience, I should be allowed to glamorize this lifestyle intentionally. Instead, this film is a direct reflection of the consequences of glamorizing this lifestyle in the media.
The film is structured in that retrospective experience of sitting in my room, looking in the mirror and imagining my old self as another person. The differentiation between these two versions of myself is in the middle of the film, the flicking of a lighter acts as the trigger/ transition. Present-day, she has curly natural hair, and in her past or memory of herself, she has straightened hair. The writing piece is directed at my past self; it deals with my feelings around maturing, longing, guilt, and regrets. I’ve learned so much about myself and the world since I was that person, yet I long to be that exhilarated, delirious, carefree, and blissfully ignorant. And I feel guilty about that because I know how much she felt deep down. The last line of the film I hate how much time you spent sleeping, and I’m still tired.”, is the resentment I feel for now mending the things that she neglected. This film allowed me to have a cathartic experience and honestly address younger me and the people that knew her. I am evolving and have shed my most recent exoskeleton in this film. Now I can move on.
The rose-tinted glasses I had on for that lifestyle made things incredibly blurry. I was glamourizing this empty state to myself entirely and to social media as well. That gave me a false version of what I craved so deeply, confidence, attention, admiration, friends, relationships.
But what became more and more present was the guilt from knowing I was poisoning myself, the hollow feeling in every aspect of my life I thought I wanted so badly. I was not happy. I was numb. But that is not what it looked like on the outside
.
My addiction did not look ugly; the like-ratio on my social media from then says that’s when I was most… “likeable.” That’s when I got the most male validation in my entire life; that is when I best fit the beauty standard. That is when society rewarded me while I was destroying my mind and body because of how I now looked, acted and presented myself. Social order encouraged me into addiction in the form of Instagram comments, party invitations, and free grams of weed because now I was a “cool girl.” This was reflected in my style of filmmaking and the very hyper-feminized set and the camera acting as a spectating presence that she is well aware of (connecting to social media).
I wanted this film to portray my personal experience, how I remember it feeling in the moment, in my bedroom, with the rose-coloured tint and all. I am not saying that because I had this specific experience, I should be allowed to glamorize this lifestyle intentionally. Instead, this film is a direct reflection of the consequences of glamorizing this lifestyle in the media.